Monday, July 31, 2006

Into the Visual

Sometimes I hear things, or see a movement, or feel a touch, and wish I could put it into a picture - whether it be a photograph, a drawing, anything... I'd love to take the beauty of the sound of windchimes softly in the background of night, and put it on a big canvas full of colours.

I've already figured out how to put my thoughts into words and pictures - having visual thoughts helps, and having a basic knowledge of photoshop helps get some of those thoughts OUT of my head - but to translate auditory beauty to visual beauty... that's something I really wish I could do. Just to stare at the sound of soft rain on the pavement, a flowing stream, windchimes in the breeze, a beautiful song...

Okay, now I really sound insane.

Monday, July 24, 2006



Words don't quite cut it right now.... I've done a few of these. I wonder how I'll 'express' myself when I go back into hospital... If they let me.

Being stigmatized with the label of 'mentally ill' sucks, but the mental health system sucks ever harder.

I'm so sick of people telling me to cheer up, go 'grow up and get over it' etc... Hell, if I could be over it, don't you think I would? I am so damn sick of the same friggin four walls... I know I'll be better 'one day'... but 'one day' could be a long time away.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Maybe...

Maybe I'm safe here... Maybe no one goes here - not that they ever did - and maybe only random people I don't know will see this... Well, that's what I'm hoping.

So maybe no one will ever know I'm sitting here, alone in the dark, crying to some sad emo Evanesence song. Maybe no one will know how bad it hits me when I get my hopes up, and then they come crashing down. Maybe no one will know how stupid I think I am... How I know that one tiny mistake can screw everything up... and I'm sure it did this time. I feel like screaming at myself, "Stupid! Stupid! STUPID!!"...

Why would I get my hopes up like this? What on earth possessed me to think that I deserve something so fantastic? I don't. I don't deserve someone like that... The fact that I'm rambling on like some psychotic stalker just proves it, doesn't it?

Have you ever found someone so gorgeous, sweet, caring, considerate, smart, dedicated... just plain out perfect... who thinks you're great too? I mean maybe he doesn't think I'm as fantastic as I think he is - but I'm used to that. I seem to feel alot more strongly about these things than anyone; it's probably part of my addictive personality. Great people are like my drug, the more I have, the more I want, and when I think I have to go without I snap or I try and binge.... But people don't work like that. You need to be consistent, calm, rational... Love and relationships are the only things that won't neccessarily work no matter how much you persevere, or what strategy you try. Either it will it won't... and you can do irreparable damage with just one fatal mistake... and God knows I've done it before...

And now.... I've done it again.